Aside from the Grand Theft Auto series, not many video games out there truly, truly offend the populace. And if a game does cross the line of propriety, the reason almost always boils down to some variant of graphic sex or violence. What a bore. Enough with the tired run-and-gun bloodfests, naked strippers, foul language and other relatively tame catalysts of moral outrage.

What we need are games so offensive they could incite riots. The following is a list of games that, for obvious reasons, will never be made (let alone conceived … wait, what?). These titles were invented with the sole purpose of offending as many people as severely as possible.

Paparazzi Princess
Genre: Third-person Action. You play either the Media or the Royal Limo Driver. Features a horribly imbalanced multiplayer mode.

Gitmo Interrogator
Genre: Third-person Adventure. A perfect score on Levels 1 and 2 earns you the Waterboarding skill.

Hitman: Kennedy
Genre: Third-person Stealth. Just one level; you play as Oswald. Emphasis on timing. Limited replayability. Create your own “Zapruder Replay”.
[8/12/08 editor’s note: No sooner did I write this than we discovered that this game already exists in the form of JFK Reloaded! Only a matter of time before the rest of these games come out, no doubt. Check it out, it’s pretty fun.]

Hitman: Lincoln
Genre: Third-person Stealth. The shortest of the Hitman series. One mission only. No replayability.

Hitman: Reagan
Oh, nevermind.

Border Control
Genre: Massively Multiplayer Online Action. The US vs. Mexico. Add-on pack includes the Middle East and Canada.

Medal of Honor: McCain
Genre: First- or Third-Person Shooter. Takes place over a seven-year period. Play as the US, Vietnam or McCain himself (first-person only). Multiplayer features “Capture the McCain” mode.

Confederate Plantation
Genre: Historical Real-Time Strategy. Become the wealthiest, most exploitative plantation owner in the deep South. Escalates to Civil War (expansion included).

Al Qaeda Flight Simulator
‘Nuf said.

Womb Raider
So many ways to go with this one.

Amber Alert
Genre: Stealth Adventure. Dispose of the bodies and escape before your extramarital girlfriend can turn you in. Beat the clock and get a Hair-Dye Bonus.

And finally …

72 Virgins
Genre: First-Person Stealth. Build, Conceal, Infiltrate and Exterminate your way to the ultimate reward. Each successful mission adds one more virgin; includes 72 levels. (Arcade version titled “Suicide Bomber” appears in The Onion Movie.)

There’s more where those came from, trust me. Lodge complaints below.

This entry was posted on Friday, August 8th, 2008 at 3:09 pm and is filed under Gaming Rants & Rumors, Violence & Sex in Games, Console Gaming, PC Gaming. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.