I should preface the coming diatribe by saying that The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion is one of my favorite games of all time. I’ve played nearly the whole canon: Arena, Daggerfall, Battlespire, Redguard (Voodoo graphics only!) and Morrowind (+expansions).

As good as those games are (well, Battlespire not so much) there comes a point when playing, once you’ve mastered the mechanics and methods of achievement, that eventually there are no more surprises. You know exactly how every NPC is going to react, you realize how wooden they all are. You’ve seen the gamut of loot containers - crates, barrels, etc. The underlying gameplay structure has become transparent, so you start screwing around, killing everyone, stealing everything just to see what happens. Then boredom sets in - except for the bastion of players who, despite the ungodly repetition, are determined to complete all quests and explore every nook and cranny of the game world. That’s not me. I’m obviously of the former ilk; once the true suprise has faded I usually shelve the game. Right now I’m facing this dilemma with Fallout 3, the latest exceptional RPG from Bethesda.

It’s been mentioned - ad nauseum - that Fallout 3 is almost exactly the same game as Oblivion - of course with a newly-designed game world and ever-so-slightly modified combat mechanics. Any fan of Oblivion will notice the similarity instantly.

It’s not without improvements: The textures look considerably better than those in Oblivion - although everything from cracked pavement to piles of rubble looks as if it has been liberally shellacked. And the new V.A.T.S. targeting system is a godsend for me, since I’m terrible with frenetic firefights.

But back to my gripes with Bethesda’s RPGs. I’m hoping that if I get some of these out of my system I’ll be able to play Fallout 3 for just a little bit longer than I would normally.

First off: containers. Now, I understand that with a game world so enormous it would be nearly impossible to litter the game with a ton of absolutely unique objects. Endless load times and horrible frame rates would be unavoidable.

But how can you hope for a true sense of immersion if every NPC in the world owns the same exact barrels, crates (ugh, can we quit with the crates already?), desks, and foot lockers? Does everyone shop at the same medieval Crate and Barrel?

I can almost forgive Oblivion, since a barrel is a barrel pretty much no matter where you go. But shame, shame on Fallout 3.

Fallout 3’s post-apocalyptic (I’m really sick of that phrase) world is a horribly fractured, decimated place in which people are scarce, spread out and living in small, unique enclaves. Yet, every single location - houses, bars, subways, anywhere - is filled with exactly the same containers. The metal box seems most popular, followed closely by crappy, bent-up lockers, desks, first-aid kits (in the most unlikely places), toolboxes and lunchboxes.

And let’s talk about the contents of those containers. Atually, Oblivion takes the cake in this area. For instance, you come across a couple of huge crates - in one of them is solitary spoon, and in the other you’ll find just a broom, or an hourglass. There must be hundreds of unused hourglasses in the land of Cyrodiil! Not to mention the inkwells, folded cloth, quills, tongs, calipers, hand scythes and yarn - there’s a helluva lot of yarn in good old Cyrodill.

From Megaton to Rivet City to Raiders’ hideouts, every blasted place contains the same crap. I mean, Shopping carts are perfectly fine in and around the Super Mart, but on a wrecked boat in the river? in the bowels of an aircraft carrier? How about all those identical cameras, hammers, and all that damned scrap metal?

And what’s with all the firehose nozzles? Also, judging from the heaps of identical, rusted cars everywhere, it appears that just prior to the apocalypse there were only two models of automobiles in circulation. And why is it that every woman in the game has a pencil moustache?

One last gripe before I wipe my brow and relax. The world of Fallout 3 has been praised for its wide open environment but let me tell you, the game has plenty of dreaded invisi-walls to foil your ambulation. For instance, you’ll see lots of huge piles of rubble between buildings. These piles are not so high that you couldn’t climb them easily and hop over to the next street. But just try to take that shortcut and you’ll come face to face with the invisible forcefield of death. I can’t tell you how pissed off I get when I encounter that. My blood pressure is rising just thinking about it.

And though it’s technically correct, the dichotomy of CapitAl Wasteland vs. CapitOl Preservation Society sticks in my craw. I can’t help it.

I feel a little better now. I just arrived at Rivet City.

Although Spore received generally favorable reviews, the game still gets a bad rap in some quadrants (and by “quadrants” I mean “forums”). Players complain that gameplay is too simplistic, nowhere near the “evolution simulator” they expected thanks to the game’s incredible Hype Machine.

Another complaint is that it’s an amalgamation of several existing games - “lite” versions of titles like Flow and Civilization - an almost outright theft of ideas.

Well, Spore is not an evolution simulator, not by a long shot, but it really shouldn’t be judged by that standard. Spore is a whimsical sandbox, an elegantly-designed “build-it-and-see-what-happens” simulator.

And instead of theft, I prefer to think of the Spore’s similarities to other games as “inspired by” rather than stealing, since Spore’s versions are considerably watered-down - in context, though, still fun.

The first time I played through the game I moved quickly, anxious to see what fun things would come next. The result was that I finished the first three sections - amoeba through civilization - in a very short time, failing to enjoy the surprises that did occur by always anticipating the next.

If you want to get maximum enjoyment out of Spore, do not play this way. The true glory of Spore is in the details.

By far, the game’s strong point is its construction module. If you’ve tried the Spore Creature Creator you have a good idea of the strength of this contraption. It offers a slick, drag-and-drop design method that’s complex while still being fun. You can build any kind of malformed creature you want and then make it try to jump and ambulate around. It’s a great playground for wicked sadists like me.

But the creature builder is only the beginning. As you progress through the game you use the same drag-and-drop approach in creating buildings, cities, vehicles and finally, space ships. You could spend days building all sorts of exquisitely detailed objects and not even bother with the “game”.

As a true dork, I of course had no choice but to build a Federation starship for my first venture into space. You may bask in its glory:

Don’t get all bent out of shape, it’s not the Enterprise. It’s the U.S.S. Crustacea, so named due to its two crab-pincher-ish extra warp nacelles (experimental, ssh).

If you can work your way out of the creator, there’s a lot more detail to enjoy. Once you reach the Tribal stage, make it a point to zoom in close to the action regularly - there’s a lot of humorous stuff going on. In particular, the indigenous, non-sentient creatures on each planet are worth examining for their often bizarre design and behavior. It’s a hoot to fly in close with your space ship and scare the crap out of them - make sure to pick up a few and sling them across the surface of the planet. It’s also fun to abduct a species from one planet, place them on a less-hospitable planet and watch them perish in anguish.

Of all the sections, the Space Age is most interesting to me; the preceding parts seem paltry in comparison. In the Space Age you get access to a fairly expansive universe filled with a slew of different species to meet. Some races are cool and want to set up alliances and trade routes with you; others are just plain douchebags who want to kill you for no reason. I hate those guys.

I’ve been spending way too much time negotiating the Space Age. It’s one of those things where once you start playing you get hooked and end up telling yourself, “Okay, just two more missions, then I’ll stop” until 2 in the morning. It’s bad enough that a single galaxy offers so many things to do; once you hit the Space Age for the first time you can start up new Space Age galaxies with brand new species and civilizations. And the aliens are randomized each time, so it takes quite a while for the feeling of repetition to set in.

In defense of the complainers, I will say that I’m anxious to see what Spore 2 will bring. Like them I was sort of hoping that the creature-evolving part of Spore would be a little more complex, more like natural selection, with algorithms that would actively “evolve” a creature based on decisions you’d made - rather than the player having complete control. What we got this time was a sandbox. But according to Mr. Wright there are plenty of changes and add-ons in Spore’s future, so you never know.

Spent a good part of the weekend delving further into “Force Unleashed” and I’m pissed off. Sure, it’s great fun killing a jawa with one swipe of your saber, and the Force powers are terrific - particularly the lifting and hurling people at walls (can’t get enough of that). But why, oh why all the jumping?

Platform jumping is the reason why I never make it very far into Mario games. I hate platform jumping. You know what I mean - tricky little leaping feats, from cliff to cliff, up the side of a wall or across endless platforms - pointless crap you’re required to accomplish in order to proceed to the next part of the game.

In particular, I’m talking about an early level in which you’re supposed to destroy a reactor. You start in this large cylindrical chamber that has various decrepit platforms and cliffs leading up the walls. You need to reach a certain platform way up high where a huge opening has sunbeams pouring through it. (Get it? That’s where you’re supposed to go!)

To be fair, there are several ways you can get up there - you don’t necessarily have to follow a linear path in your ascent. But damn it, no matter which way I went I faced a frustrating bout of trial and error, tumbling to the ground over and over and over again. (Not me, the game character, Whatshisname Force Dude.)

Back in 1978 I had a schoolmate whose dad owned a little independent movie theatre about a mile from my house. It was one of those that played first-run movies two months after they came out, with super low ticket prices.

It just so happened that the original Star Wars (before its rebirth as an “Episode”) made its way to that theatre - a watershed event in my life, since I could actually ride my bike to the place. Prior to that, the old, marvelous Cine Capri - with its high-backed, velvet rocking seats and enormous wrap-around CinemaScope screen that blurred the far edges of every movie (CinemaScope was long dead by then) - was the only theatre in Phoenix where Star Wars played, and deservedly so. It was way out in Scottsdale, and my parents were not about to drag me out there repeatedly.

Cassette tapes had just replaced 8-tracks, and I’d received a hi-tech cassette player/recorder (with a built in mic!) for Xmas. One day my friend surprised me with a audio tape recording of the entire movie. Given my obsession with the movie, I ended up playing that damned thing every single day - either actively listening or having it play in the background.

The result (after who knows how long, years I guess) was my unwitting memorization of every single line of dialogue in the film. Timing, intonation, inflection, accent, everything. Scary thing is, i still remember chunks of it. You can quiz me.

When the movie was re-released circa 1980 (with a stupendously exciting trailer for “The Empire Strikes Back”, mind you) I was the bane of all my friends, reciting the entire movie under my breath when we went to see it - multiple times, of course.

My point is … there is no point. I came here to talk about “Star Wars: The Force Unleashed”. Obviously the mere thought of Star Wars is enough to make me babble to anyone who’ll listen. I’m beholden to it for life, just like this guy. Good to know there are other quasi-normal people in my position.

On to “Force Unleashed”. This bugger has been released in a ridiculous number of forms: 360, PS3, Wii, iPhone, Nintendo DS, PSP, paperback, even a freakin’ toy light saber. Oh George, haven’t you made enough money?

I’m not about to try the thing on every game platform, but I have played it on PS3, DS and iPhone, and I’m about to opine.

On PS3, so far I like the game. You know how Vader and other nasty-ass Jedi Knights toss big boxes, pipes and other crap around? You finally get to try it yourself in this game. I have to say, it’s not as big a thrill as I’d have imagined, not yet, anyway. You can of course use Force Choke to crush the life out of baddies before chucking them off a precipice - that’s cool, too.

The PS3 controls are what you would expect from PS3 controls: a little awkward but easy to master. But it definitely doesn’t give you the feeling that you’re actually wielding a light saber. Hopefully the Wii version will satisfy that yen. (If not, there’s always Star Wars The Clone Wars: Lightsaber Duels coming up.)

You’re probably wondering just how in the hell the game could transfer to the iPhone. The only controls you have there are the touch screen and accelerometer. Well, forget the accelerometer - your sole method of action lies in tracing shapes on the screen. Each enemy has a little curly design above its head and you have to trace that shape on the screen, which in turn hurls a box at the baddie. Added to that are defensive swipes - you draw a diagonal line in the direction suggested by an on-screen prompt to deflect incoming objects and laser blasts.

That may sound silly, and it is. You don’t control your character’s movement, only his battle actions. But after feeling pretty stupid tracing shapes fervently on a tiny screen, I realized that in a way, it does actually feel sort of like swinging a light saber or pitching boxes around.

Especially in comparison to the DS version. On the bottom touch screen there’s a static image broken down into half a dozen quadrants, each representing a particular Force “power” at your disposal - i.e., Choke, Lightning, etc. You do get to control the movement of the character, with either the D-Pad or the buttons, but the characters are so itty bitty it’s difficult to know which way - hence, which enemy - you’re facing. So you end up pounding your finger on the touch screen madly - anywhere - while moving your guy, backing up, turning around, shooting Force lighting at a tree while being smashed by a Wookie.

Damn, I’m tired of typing. And if you’re still reading this, wow, kudos. My final opinion: The DS version is too frustration to consider shelling out 35 bucks for it. The iPhone is only 10 bucks, and it’s worth it - if only for the novelty of having “Star Wars: The Force Unleased on your phone. The gameplay is amusing enough, and it’s fun to impress your friends (or enemies).

As for the PS3 version I think, in comparison to most games on the platform (including the overrated Metal Gear Solid 4) it’s definitely worth adding to your library. If you can rent it from GameFly, even better (that’s what I did). For me, the opening of the game makes the game an absolute must: You play as Darth Vader, tromping around on Kashyyyk Kicking MAJOR ass with every Force power at your disposal.

Makes me wish Midichlorians were real and available via injection.

Maybe I’m coming off as too critical of Metal Gear Solid 4. I actually do like the game a lot, and I intend to finish it. I just wish it were more.

I keep encountering little design peccadilloes that, well, piss me off a little. Take, for instance, Snake’s cell phone thing, the “Codec” or whatever - its ringer is deafeningly loud. So much so that every time it rings I get a little stressed out, since any enemy within range could surely hear it. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t MGS 4 essentially a stealth game? I mean he’s got a full-body camouflage suit on, for crying out loud. Thankfully that eardrum-piercing ringer can be heard only by Snake, it seems. You’d think he would’ve traded that crap in for a quieter model. Sheesh.

I don’t know whether this is due to Snake’s premature aging disease, but the guy is extremely limited in how he can move. First of all, he can’t run. At all. Best he can manage is a hunched-over jog. And though he can launch himself into a forward somersault at will, he’s entirely unable to jump. I can sort of understand the jumping thing - I’m sure the designers didn’t want the game to feel like some kind of silly platformer. Snake is far too cool for that, man. But these limitations are nothing but maddening to me. Given his years and years of experience, he ought to be nimble as a ninja, right? I just don’t get it.

Last night I finally had a showdown with “Laughing Octopus” - undoubtedly the creepiest character in the game. She’s like a female Doc Ock who laughs maniacally while torturing and killing people. In fact, she never stops that spooky cackling. Oh, and she can camouflage herself completely to look like anything.

So, I’m stuck in this small building fighting this creature, and she’s flitting all over the place, hiding on the ceiling, in cardboard boxes, posing as a medical mannequin, etc., all the time taunting, “You can’t find me …” Well, I did find her - a lot. She must have had a death wish, because after I brought out my rocket launcher, she still hung around for more punishment - until I obliterated her.

Spoiler Alert: Amazingly, she doesn’t die - she just sheds her robotic octopus appendages, turns into “Laughing Beauty”, and starts to bitch and moan about her childhood. You then have to kill her again, at which point she floats in the air and starts doing some weird stuff before finally croaking. While this is happening the camera pans around her, and let me tell you something guys, this chick has the perfect, shiny badonkadonk. Not only that - and I can’t believe the designers did this - the camera gets to a certain angle and you are briefly witness to a shiny Octo-camel-toe. I kid you not. Don’t believe me? Play the game.

I don’t agree with a lot of the design decisions in this game, but after seeing that cinematic, I’m ready to forgive any and all trespasses - that took some real cojones. I love this game!

At last year’s E for All conference I remember seeing a white structure about the size of a dump truck, surrounded by a throng of young men in a formation that resembled a queue. Plastered on the side of the thing was a huge, glorious design for “Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots“. One by one these slobbering souls were granted access to the white tomb, ostensibly to play the game - a very early build, I assume. The line never abated, so I skipped the experience.

I played the first iteration of Metal Gear Solid on the good old “PSOne”. Well, played is a strong word - I became frustrated with the controls early on and actually ended up playing Syphon Filter instead. In retrospect I see that I should have towed the line, since now I live for stealth games that offer lots of cool gadgets to futz with.

With that in mind I knew I had to play MGS 4. Even more so when I read an article - which of course I now cannot find - in which Hideo Kojima was quoted as saying that Assassin’s Creed was a big inspiration for him when conceiving/developing MGS 4. Assassin’s Creed is one of my all-time favorite games, in no small part due to its fantastic open-world design. Needless to say - yet I’m saying it - I have procured and started playing MGS 4.

The presentation is nothing short of stunning. Gorgeous graphics throughout (save for some crappy lip-syncing) and the audio is absolutely stellar. Great, great stuff. But then there’s the gameplay.

Let me tell you this: MGS 4 is not an open-world game. At what point did Hideo drop the ball on his AC inspiration? MGS 4 is L.I.N.E.A.R. Like a rollercoaster. I’ll admit that during battle the gameplay sort of feels open-world, but then you realize that there are only certain counters over which you can vault, only certain ledges you can climb. Suddenly - and consistently - things don’t feel so “open”.

Case in point: In the image below you can see - thanks to the yellow thing that tells you what you are able to do at any given moment - that Snake is incapable of jumping over a wee counter. He can only take refuge next to it. (Get it? You’re supposed to go a different way!) But in the next pic Snake is faced with another counter of roughly the same size and - can you guess? - the yellow thing is saying “Go ahead, climb right over!”

I don’t like to be told what I can and cannot do. In AC you can run around, climb almost anything, take on challenges at your own discretion. True, there are specific missions you must accomplish, but you can do them whenever you feel like it. You get a sense of really living in that world. I don’t get that feeling while playing MGS 4.

Back to the cinematics in the game. They’re very well produced and mostly interesting to watch. But honestly? I believe I’ve spent more time watching the in-game movies than I have in actual gameplay. That’s a really weird sensation. Particularly when a cinematic ends and you’re dropped back into gameplay, then you move a few steps and another movie begins. Jury’s still out for me on this.

Finally, and I haven’t seen this anywhere else: How can it possibly be that Snake’s hair style is a mullet? Isn’t this supposed to be the future or something? This is a choice made by the designers? Don’t believe me? See for yourself:

Well, if it absolutely HAD to be a mullet, at least Snake’s is a gloriously fabulous mullet. Is no one else disturbed by this?

Aside from the Grand Theft Auto series, not many video games out there truly, truly offend the populace. And if a game does cross the line of propriety, the reason almost always boils down to some variant of graphic sex or violence. What a bore. Enough with the tired run-and-gun bloodfests, naked strippers, foul language and other relatively tame catalysts of moral outrage.

What we need are games so offensive they could incite riots. The following is a list of games that, for obvious reasons, will never be made (let alone conceived … wait, what?). These titles were invented with the sole purpose of offending as many people as severely as possible.

Paparazzi Princess
Genre: Third-person Action. You play either the Media or the Royal Limo Driver. Features a horribly imbalanced multiplayer mode.

Gitmo Interrogator
Genre: Third-person Adventure. A perfect score on Levels 1 and 2 earns you the Waterboarding skill.

Hitman: Kennedy
Genre: Third-person Stealth. Just one level; you play as Oswald. Emphasis on timing. Limited replayability. Create your own “Zapruder Replay”.
[8/12/08 editor’s note: No sooner did I write this than we discovered that this game already exists in the form of JFK Reloaded! Only a matter of time before the rest of these games come out, no doubt. Check it out, it’s pretty fun.]

Hitman: Lincoln
Genre: Third-person Stealth. The shortest of the Hitman series. One mission only. No replayability.

Hitman: Reagan
Oh, nevermind.

Border Control
Genre: Massively Multiplayer Online Action. The US vs. Mexico. Add-on pack includes the Middle East and Canada.

Medal of Honor: McCain
Genre: First- or Third-Person Shooter. Takes place over a seven-year period. Play as the US, Vietnam or McCain himself (first-person only). Multiplayer features “Capture the McCain” mode.

Confederate Plantation
Genre: Historical Real-Time Strategy. Become the wealthiest, most exploitative plantation owner in the deep South. Escalates to Civil War (expansion included).

Al Qaeda Flight Simulator
‘Nuf said.

Womb Raider
So many ways to go with this one.

Amber Alert
Genre: Stealth Adventure. Dispose of the bodies and escape before your extramarital girlfriend can turn you in. Beat the clock and get a Hair-Dye Bonus.

And finally …

72 Virgins
Genre: First-Person Stealth. Build, Conceal, Infiltrate and Exterminate your way to the ultimate reward. Each successful mission adds one more virgin; includes 72 levels. (Arcade version titled “Suicide Bomber” appears in The Onion Movie.)

There’s more where those came from, trust me. Lodge complaints below.

It’s a well-known fact that I prefer games that are easy - with a modicum of challenge yet playable to the end with a low death/repetition factor. Sadly, most games don’t fit into this category. There are exceptions. Bioshock, Battlefield: Bad Company, Medal of Honor: Airborne - titles that allow for multiple strategies in achieving objectives, i.e., games that permit me to play like a wussy. I’d much rather sneak around, avoiding confrontation.

I have always shied away from trying the Civilization series of games. The apparent complexity of the gameplay is a little daunting. I have precious little extra brainpower to expend, and if a playing a game is as much work as a real job - and I’m not getting paid for it - then why play?

Even if I were in the mood to apply my considerable cognitive prowess, other elements discouraged me: The game is turn-based (as a rule I find turn-based gameplay stilted and boring), representational (huge men towering above a tiny city represent an entire army, as opposed to real-time games in which an army of men represent an actual army) and the well-known fact that the Civilization games are scarily addictive.

Sorry for the Wii/We pun in the title. I’m as sick of that crap as you are. But it’s irresistible.

As you’ll see in the video below, Wii MotionPlus looks extremely cool. While Microsoft will most likely need to build a whole new controller in order to do motion sensing stuff (rumor, of course), Nintendo just cranks out a little pluggy thing that snaps right onto the base of the existing WiiMote and voila, realistic light saber and ball-throwing control. Sweet. Question is, why now? You’d think it would have been easier to integrate those functions into the existing Wii controller before shipping the console. Rush to market much?

No matter, wii (!!) welcome it, this purveyor of great new gaming capabilities to come. O, let it be priced under $30.

As promised, here are last three vids of E3-tastic games.

Mirror’s Edge (PC, 360, PS3): This title was a surprise to me - I’d never even heard of it, then when I watched the video walkthrough I became an instant fan. Imagine what it might be like to be a UPS dude with no truck, delivering super important packages one by one while people are trying to kill you, and your primary routes involve leaping across the rooftops. In first-person POV. It looks fascinating. To get the full picture you need to see the developer walkthrough video.