Really, it was only a matter of time. In fact, I’m surprised it’s taken so long for one of these to surface. I’ve been joking about the possibility for a while now, and now that it’s here I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it.

What I’m talking about is “Kaboom: The Suicide Bombing Game“, the first game I’ve discovered that puts you in the shoes of a suicide bomber.

The point of the game is obviously satire. It’s a Flash game in which identical, cartoon-ish men, women and children march back and forth along a sidewalk and you control an Arab-looking man wearing a big coat. The goal, of course, is to injure and kill as many people as possible with a single explosion. Crude animations depict body parts flying up into the air briefly before settling into a streak of blood on the ground.

Shocking? Maybe. But what about those hilarious Adult Swim Flash games? Fans of that adult-themed, late-night animation revue are certainly familiar with the roster of borderline-offensive games offered on AdultSwim.com. In Five Minutes to Kill (Yourself), it’s another day at the office and you’re given the task of committing suicide as quickly as possible using objects and people around you. Jam scissors into your stomach, slap a stapler on your face, cram your head into a paper shredder - just a few of the bloody ways to off yourself. Does the game promote suicide? I guess it depends on whom you ask.

How about Bible Fight, which pits Jesus, Mary, Noah, Satan and other biblical figures against each other in a fighting game? Jesus is a formidable opponent - he can make a pile of fish fall out of the sky to flatten you, and in his signature attack move he summons a huge wooden cross and smashes you to a pulp. Poor Mary is hampered by having to tote around baby Jesus while sparring. That’s sure to offend lots of people.

The Adult Swim games are undeniably designed to evoke a reaction by purposely crossing the line of propriety and good taste. But the intended audience is unlikely to be offended - by and large the games are hilarious. Anyone likely to be upset by their content is also unlikely to have ever heard of them in the first place.

Were it not based on such a controversial topic the suicide bombing game “Kaboom” would surely be forgotten. Its simplistic design is no match for the high-quality games from Adult Swim. Any replayability “Kaboom” may have lies solely in its ability to shock - it’s good fun to show your friends - but after that, nada.

Outrage? Well, so far the Israeli Embassy in London has “complained”. The game is definitely in bad taste, but is it bad enough to elicit a widespread affront to decency? I seriously doubt it.

The game’s anonymous author writes, “I’m not Jewish, I’m not an Arab and I’m not a terrorist. I just think people who blow themselves up are stupid. That’s all this game is.”

He’s right, that’s all it is. Suicide bombing is stupid, the game itself is pretty stupid, too, so I suppose the author has succeeded on some level. I laughed a bit and forwarded it to some friends, who also laughed a bit and probably forwarded it to more friends. And now I’m forwarding it to you.

Send it to folks who might be offended, have a good laugh at the reactions you get. Then forget about it, you know you will. I’m still waiting for the *really* offensive suicide bomber game that might actually be worth writing about.

What do you think of this horrible, outrageous insult to humanity?

If you truly want to scare the crap out of yourself on Halloween, what do you do? We’re all so jaded nowadays that nothing scares us anymore.

You could go to a “haunted house” at your local community center and shriek like a pansy when rubber-masked dorks pop out in front of you - total bollocks. Or find a cemetery, sit on a grave with friends and tell ghost stories - bah. Those things are for sissies.

Aside from being pursued by an actual serial killer, what’s the closest you can get to sheer terror? Scary movies. That’s all ya got. You go to a movie theatre, hunker down in your seat and hope that the latest horror movie tripe will startle you with a loud noise or two. Or huddle in front of the TV and plod through all the “Saw” sequels until you pass out. (Please, don’t do that - save a shred of dignity for yourself.) What a freakin’ bore.

Why settle for a night of passive scares and spooks? If you can’t be chased by a real murderer the next best thing is a murder simulator! Jump into the thick of it, put yourself in some tangible peril.

We’ve rounded up a collection of the 9 (10 is so cliche) absolute creepiest games ever to grace a PC - some old, some new - and it just so happens that we have downloadable demos for each one of them! So go ahead and switch off all the lights in the house, crank up the sound, and scare yourself sh*tless.

9. American McGee’s Alice

Okay, American McGee’s Alice probably won’t scare you, but it nevertheless ranks high on the creepiness scale. Think of Disney’s version of Alice in Wonderland, how whimsical and fun it is. Now, imagine a version in which Alice’s parents die in a fire, Alice attempts suicide and she is imprisoned in a mental institution. The only escape for the poor, psychotic waif is to journey back to Wonderland - an evil, dreadful Wonderland that exists only in Alice’s catatonic mind. You get to control Bizarro Alice as she wields a sharp, bloody knife to fend off crazy walking cards and other disgusting foes. If you’ve a mind for the twisted and you’ll take creepy over scary, Alice is for you. (By the way, a movie adaptation is due in 2009.) Lose your mind in the demo.

8. Pathologic

You know how in a dream everything can seem a little off-kilter and it’s hard to see your surroundings clearly? That’s exactly the feeling I get from Pathologic - and it seriously creeps me out. Pathologic is one of those weird-but-cool games that get released with zero promotion and go under the radar immediately. Like Alice, it’s more creepy than scary, but there are some definite frights to be had here. This is a survival horror game in the vein of Silent Hill - but not quite. There’s a disturbing undercurrent of malevolence to this game, like something ominous and horrible is happening behind the scenes. Russian developers Ice-Pick Lodge create a dreary, depressing environment laced with black rain, stoic denizens wandering aimlessly in a town of stark, iron-barred houses and a defunct railroad. It’s more story than shooter, giving you the opportunity to flex your wit. Make the wrong choice and - well, you should find out for yourself. Start the nightmare, play the demo.

7. F.E.A.R.

This hugely popular shooter almost didn’t make the list because its creepy little girl character is a blatant ripoff of the film “The Ring” (which, by the way, is a good choice if you absolutely must do the movie thing). But I have to admit, for a ripoff it’s a pretty good. F.E.A.R.’s maniac munchkin is terrifying in her own right - people tend to explode in a mist of blood when she’s anywhere near. (So whenever, wherever you see her, don’t think, just GTFO!!) F.E.A.R. is your basic squad-based shooter but with an extra dose of frights - mostly of the shock-and-scream variety, thanks to some fantastic enemy AI that will have them hunting you down and catching you off guard. The levels are claustrophobic and the sound design instills the perfect sense of dread. Face your FEAR in the demo.

6. The Suffering: Ties That Bind

You’re in a dark, foreboding prison. Maniacs are jailed on all sides of you. Suddenly the place is falling apart and the inmates are rioting. You slip out of the cell block only to encounter insane, blade-fisted mutants scurrying up the walls and across the ceiling, bent on killing you. (I’m sorry, but anything that crawls on the ceiling and drops down in front of you is freakin’ scary.) You find a gun but ammo is scarce, doors are locked and those creepies are around every corner. The Suffering: Ties That Bind might not be the most original game, and its graphics aren’t anything to scream about, but play this thing alone in a dark room with the sound cranked up, and then tell me you didn’t almost soil yourself a few times. Make some skid marks, here’s the demo.

5. Doom 3

The creatures in Doom 3 are grotesque to the point of insanity. Get a good, close look at any one of them, I dare you. Sadly, the only time you’ll be close enough to get a gander will be right before you’re ripped from limb to limb. Sure, hardened vets who’ve beat the game twenty times will insist that Doom 3 isn’t scary at all. But for those of you who haven’t tried it, trust me, it will scare you. Creatures burst out unexpectedly time and time again. And just when you think you’ve found a friendly soldier he’ll whip around and charge at you all zombie-like, shotgun blazing. Did I mention it’s really dark in this Mars military complex? Sometimes what you can’t see is what terrifies you the most. Demo some doom.

4. Penumbra: Black Plague

Penumbra: Black Plague is definitely a lights-off experience. It’s a first-person survival-horror adventure, but guess what? You have no weapons. None. You’re stuck in an underground facility of some kind where something unseemly is going on. There are corpses around and a fearsome monster holed up somewhere, and you have to utilize the game’s amazing 3D physics in a realistic manner to make your way through the place. (Think Half-Life 2 physics puzzles.) It’s the overall ambiance that makes this game so creepy. It’s dark, you’re unarmed and vulnerable, and those weird little sounds … are they coming closer? Go ahead, open that door … It’s a ravenous demo!

3. BioShock

Irrational Games took the System Shock license in a different direction with Bioshock, but they managed to keep the same techno-spooky spirit. Set in a fantastical underwater city - abandoned, of course - Bioshock dumps you into an unsettling, zombie-infested (but gorgeous) environment where scary little girls (”Little Sisters”) roam around jamming syringes into corpses, and bloated diving-suit robots (”Big Daddies”) thunder after you if you disturb the little needle-toting creeps. What makes matters worse is that Bioshock has those abominable ceiling-crawlies, too! And if the overall setting isn’t scary enough, just wait till that first Big Daddy chases you. Trust me. Find out who’s your daddy in the demo.

2. Condemned: Criminal Origins

So, I’m playing Condemned: Criminal Origins on Xbox 360 for the first time. I take my own advice and set myself up in a pitch dark room with the volume cranked. Not expecting much, I fire up the game and smugly play the tutorial level. A little later, I’m stepping over piles of garbage in an abandoned building. Out of the corner of my eye something whizzes by, and I hear a piece of metal clank to the floor. I venture a little further forward to get a better look, and CRACK! WRAARRR! A rabid junkie is pummeling me with a two-by-four! Man, let me tell you, I jumped in my seat, my heart had never raced so quickly. (Out of fear, at least.) Need I say more? The demo will bash your head in.

1. Clive Barker’s Undying

Clive Barker is a sick, sick man. Master of the grotesque, deviser of the darkest, most twisted creations known to man. If you ever dreamed of stepping into the pages of a Clive Barker novel, here’s your chance. The 2001-era graphics won’t knock your socks off, but this game’s not about flash. It’s about drawing you into the world of a man haunted by his dead siblings who’ve been reanimated into evil monsters (damn those pesky occult rituals!). You have a roster of spells at your disposal - plus your trusty shotgun to take out some truly spooky-ass ghoulies. To understand why Undying deserves the number one spot, you simply have to experience it … An old, gothic house creaks and moans. A violent thunderstorm roars outside. Unearthly cackling peppers the air. A choir of discordant women’s voices rises and falls. A scream, a howling of pain wafts in from the next room. A specter hangs in mid-air. Gusts of wind rush through the hallways. You see, with Undying, it’s all about the experience. You don’t play to win, you play to get totally creeped out. Barker does it every time. Creep the light fantastic in the demo.

Okay, so there’s this free, fantasy Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game (MMORPG) called MapleStory. Its a 2-dimensional, side-scrolling affair that’s cute as cute can be:

Blue sky, puffy clouds, mushroom-topped house … how could anything go awry in such a world?

Three words: Marriage. Divorce. Death.

As in many fantasy MMOs, you can find a mate and get married in MapleStory. Naturally, since you’re hiding behind an in-game avatar that represents you in the game, you’re more likely to toss aside inhibitions and let loose - seek out and engage in random sexual encounters, get naked, curse like a sailor or kill strangers for kicks - without fear of repercussion. You’re also free to marry anyone you’d like, and of course such a marriage carries no legal weight outside the game.

Enter a Japanese couple who did just that: met and got married in the world of MapleStory. Things went swimmingly for a while - in fact, the two players developed such a close bond that they even traded the login and password information for each others’ MapleStory accounts. If that isn’t love, what is?

Apparently this wasn’t. Details are scarce, but the 43-year-old (IRL) woman’s 33-year-old (IRL) husband decided to cut things off and divorced her without so much as a warning. In the game, that is - we’re not sure whether they’re married in the outside world.

We all know that Hell hath no wrath like a woman scorned: She used her ex’s login information to sign in to his MapleStory account, and promptly murdered his cruel, heartless MapleStory avatar. “I was suddenly divorced, without a word of warning. That made me so angry,” she was quoted as saying.

And women wonder why men are so commitment-phobic.

Needless to say, her ex wasn’t pleased - in fact he called the police. I wish I were privy to that conversation. Can you report a murder if you’re not really dead?

The woman has been apprehended on suspicion of hacking, a charge which could lead to a prison term of up to five years or a fine as high as $5,000. Luckily for her, there’s been no sign of any real-world plot to have the man killed - so far.

Don’t these people have a sense of humor? It’s all make-believe. Plus, he could have killed her character right back - tit for tat - they already had the codes. (That’s what I would have done, anyway.) This poor couple obviously needs to get out of the house once in a while.

Really, the crime she committed is akin to reading your husband’s email when he’s not around. That’s all we need in this country: another excuse to get all litigious on someone’s ass. Ladies, take heed.

Midway is releasing some of their older games, the full versions, as free downloads. They’re ad-supported, of course, but from what I’ve seen the ads are relatively unobtrusive.

But behind this magnamimosity, I fear, is something far more sinister.

For example, Area 51 - a 2005 game that, surprisingly, holds up extremely well for its age. The graphics are quite acceptable and tha gameplay is a bit like that of F.E.A.R., with strange, alien things going on and squad-based combat.

Aside from all that, Midway may be trying to slip us a clue with the ad they’ve “chosen” to support the game: a video advertisement from the U.S. Air Force of a rocket launching into space. The POV of the video suggests that you are affixed to the side of the ship, and you get to witness a booster section of the rocket jettisoned toward the earth.

Area 51, the supposed top secret airbase connected to the Roswell incident and more, seems like the last sort of video game that the USAF would legitimize by buying an ad. Conspiracy?

With this in mind, I visited PlayWhat’s authority of choice on the UFO phenomenon: AlienZoo, an indispensable resource for information on all things Alien. AlienZoo’s mantra is “Don’t feed the conspiracy”, so I feel a bit sheepish about concocting yet another wild-eyed theory. But here goes.

AlienZoo has a resident Gray, Gunther, who blogs about conspiracies in order to set humans straight, debunking that which must be debunked. I can’t tell you whether this is a real Gray, and if he is, whether he resides on our planet or simply channels his information to the AlienZoo staff. But given my suspicions, I’m not about to dismiss his existence. We’re being surreptitiously prepared for something.

In a recent blog entry - Humans film UFOs over Turkey - Gunther sheds light on recent UFO sightings in Turkey, caught on video. It’s pretty spooky stuff. In one of videos you can see a closeup of a - wait for it - cigar-shaped craft, clearly metallic in appearance, hovering in the distance, at one point directly below the moon. The videographers seem to catch it from several different angles.

In one of these angles, the craft takes on the appearance of a very familiar ship: the Jupiter 2 from the original Lost in Space series. Look at this pic and tell me you don’t see a creepy resemblance:

Maybe (well, certainly) I think too much, but go with me. For decades, extra-terrestrial beings may have been exerting a mild form of mind control over creative people, in particular filmmakers and game designers, to influence the designs of alien spacecraft and alien “monsters” preparing us for, perhaps, a devastating alien invasion to come - in the hopes that we will find a way to stand up for ourselves and defeat them.

In this scenario, I see the Grays as benevolent beings, and why not? Certainly if they had wanted to conquer us they would do a lot more than hover in their ships just far enough away that we can’t see them clearly. Right? Plus, we have Gunther. I’m sure he’d warn us if evil, STS creatures like the Lizzies were anywhere near our planet.

So, back to Area 51. Is it some kind of virtual training module a la America’s Army (or even The Last Starfighter? Chew on that for a minute). In any case, it’s free. It’s the entire game. And despite its obviously linear design, it’s definitely fun to play. I’d suggest that you play it - better safe than sorry.

I guess I fed the conspiracy. Sorry, Gunther.

August 20, 2008. Here we have a 27-year-old man, a motorcyclist, screaming down the road at speeds of 100+ mph - so fast, in fact, that police cars can’t catch up with him. Shirtless. Helmet-less. And clearly witless. No amount of “-less” descriptors can properly characterize this guy’s idiocy. He is “Less” incarnate. (I won’t invoke my usual “I’ll never understand” speech here; donor-cycle riding is bad enough even with shirts and helmets.)

What does all this have to do with gaming? I’m getting to that. So, eventually this dude wipes out, slides under a Ford Expedition and runs off. While the Expedition’s passengers frantically extricate their children from the now-in-flames vehicle, troopers search the area for this guy and find him about 1000 yards away from the accident. His only injury? Road rash.

As you might imagine, a trooper asks him, “WTF were you doing??” Can you guess his response? He tells them he was having his own “video game adventure”.

Said the trooper: “I don’t know whether he was trying to act out a scene in a video game or what he was trying to do, but he said it always worked for him in video games.”

Always worked in video games. In video games! AND, he survived with barely a scratch. There’s something very, very wrong about this. It’s barely consolation that he’s going to be sued up the ying and spend some time behind bars. So he pays up, he does his time, and then what?

Just like in Grand Theft Auto, he crashed a motorcycle and walked away, very much alive. Think he’ll try it again? Wanna put some money on it?

Parents, shield your children from this article. This story needs to be buried deep, far from the knee-jerk eyes of (dare I mention) Thompson and especially cable news (Greta, shut UP about Caylee already). In fact, I’m now regretting having called attention to the situation at all. But I’m unable to squelch the intense mental pressure of my Dumbass Meter. I must call an Asshat an Asshat.

I’m so sorry, so very very sorry.

Aside from the Grand Theft Auto series, not many video games out there truly, truly offend the populace. And if a game does cross the line of propriety, the reason almost always boils down to some variant of graphic sex or violence. What a bore. Enough with the tired run-and-gun bloodfests, naked strippers, foul language and other relatively tame catalysts of moral outrage.

What we need are games so offensive they could incite riots. The following is a list of games that, for obvious reasons, will never be made (let alone conceived … wait, what?). These titles were invented with the sole purpose of offending as many people as severely as possible.

Paparazzi Princess
Genre: Third-person Action. You play either the Media or the Royal Limo Driver. Features a horribly imbalanced multiplayer mode.

Gitmo Interrogator
Genre: Third-person Adventure. A perfect score on Levels 1 and 2 earns you the Waterboarding skill.

Hitman: Kennedy
Genre: Third-person Stealth. Just one level; you play as Oswald. Emphasis on timing. Limited replayability. Create your own “Zapruder Replay”.
[8/12/08 editor’s note: No sooner did I write this than we discovered that this game already exists in the form of JFK Reloaded! Only a matter of time before the rest of these games come out, no doubt. Check it out, it’s pretty fun.]

Hitman: Lincoln
Genre: Third-person Stealth. The shortest of the Hitman series. One mission only. No replayability.

Hitman: Reagan
Oh, nevermind.

Border Control
Genre: Massively Multiplayer Online Action. The US vs. Mexico. Add-on pack includes the Middle East and Canada.

Medal of Honor: McCain
Genre: First- or Third-Person Shooter. Takes place over a seven-year period. Play as the US, Vietnam or McCain himself (first-person only). Multiplayer features “Capture the McCain” mode.

Confederate Plantation
Genre: Historical Real-Time Strategy. Become the wealthiest, most exploitative plantation owner in the deep South. Escalates to Civil War (expansion included).

Al Qaeda Flight Simulator
‘Nuf said.

Womb Raider
So many ways to go with this one.

Amber Alert
Genre: Stealth Adventure. Dispose of the bodies and escape before your extramarital girlfriend can turn you in. Beat the clock and get a Hair-Dye Bonus.

And finally …

72 Virgins
Genre: First-Person Stealth. Build, Conceal, Infiltrate and Exterminate your way to the ultimate reward. Each successful mission adds one more virgin; includes 72 levels. (Arcade version titled “Suicide Bomber” appears in The Onion Movie.)

There’s more where those came from, trust me. Lodge complaints below.

Why do games have to be so dang hard?

I’ll admit, when it comes to video games I’m a “jack of all trades, master of none”. I play so many games and have so little free time that it’s nearly impossible for me to master any one particular game. Add to that an old injury to my left hand that hampers my dexterity, and you have the makings of a frustrated dabbler.

Case in point: I’m playing GTA 4. I’m really enjoying the open-world, sandbox gameplay, but when it comes to the increasingly difficult story missions, I’m at an impasse. My gimp-ish left hand causes Niko to crouch uncontrollably, run into walls, get stuck in corners, crash cars constantly – generally behave like an unbalanced idiot.

I don’t have to explain the resulting effect on my mission success rate.

I rant and rave, blaming the controller and control scheme for betraying me time and again as I meet my demise at the hands of thugs. Aside from all the inane crouching, the problem that vexes me most is how – in the heat of battle – my thumb unfailingly slips from the control stick to the d-pad buttons that are used to switch your current weapon.

What this means is that the barrage of machine gun bullets which I expect to rip into the enemies in front of me actually becomes a hand grenade, which bounces off a nearby wall and obliterates me. Or, the sniper rifle, or my fists, or – worst of all – the rocket launcher: a formidable weapon, but less so in a confined space.

I’ve actually made it to the mission in the run-down hospital where you need to mow down a slew of thugs in order to get your hands on a stash of cocaine in a back room. The initial mowing is simple – the bad guys are pretty stupid. But once you find the coke, suddenly you’ve got a three-star wanted level, with SWAT teams and helicopters bearing down on you from all directions.

Fighting your way out of the building – which has only one exit – is a challenge that eventually forced me to invoke cheat codes to get more powerful weapons and armor. (That’s a bad sign.) After many tries I finally made it out of the building and into a car but I have yet to evade the police.

And so it stands. I’ve been stuck on this mission for a while now. Yes, it’s pathetic, but it brings me around to my original question: Why the hell do games have to be so hard? And by “hard” I mean “requiring a 12-year-old’s manual dexterity to push buttons quickly enough”. That’s why I almost never finish a game. I can’t abide having to try the same crap over and over again. Repetition is painful. So, I usually end up missing out on the rest of the game, which is a shame.

Once again, I’m pining for the day when games are no longer “games”, when the cerebral trumps the visceral.

It ain’t easy being a video game site editor who sucks at video games. (Don’t tell anyone I told you that.)

I’m sorry, but this is ridiculous:

“I honestly believed that if you shoot somebody, that they would get back up”

Could he be professing this argument for his legal defense? Is there a sliver of a chance he actually believes what he’s saying? In either case this kid belongs in an institution.

I just had to get that off of my chest.

If you’ve been playing GTA IV for awhile like I have, at some point you’ve no doubt wondered about the guy who provides Niko Bellic’s voice, Michael Hollick. Who the hell is he? Is he really from the Eastern Bloc?

In my surfing I’ve stumbled across a few tidbits that provide a little insight. Since he’s obviously an actor, he’s listed on IMDb; looks like he’s done a few guest spots on TV shows before landing this game voice over gig. Unsurprisingly he’s got a (rather spare) MySpace page, as well as a home page of his own (even sparer), which offers a brief video introduction to the character of Niko Bellic, with Hollick’s voice narration, of course.

But most interesting is an audio interview that aired on the Big O and Dukes radio show, embedded below. It’s insanely long, but it’s worth a listen. Hollick talks about how he landed the part of Niko Bellic and how the instant fame is affecting his life. Check it out.

I’ve spent way too much time kvetching about the Sultan of Silliness, Jack Thompson. He’s such an easy target. Now that he’s been found guilty on 27 misconduct charges in a Florida court, I’m starting to feel a lot better.

21 of the 27 counts stem from his handiwork in Strickland vs. Sony, which involved the slaying of a police officer by an 18-year-old Grand Theft Auto player. Four more charges are a result of his attempt to have Rockstar’s Bully declared a public nuisance. (The other two offenses are non-video-game related.)

Here, bask in a few of the charges that he’s been nailed for:

# Knowingly making a false statement of material fact or law to a tribunal
# Knowingly disobeying an obligation under the rules of a tribunal
# Communicating the merits of the case with a judge before whom the proceeding is pending
# Using means that have no purpose other than to embarrass, delay or burden a third person

Head over to this Gamepolitics.com article for more details. If that link is farked, try this Bit-tech blog.

Golf clap, everyone.